Your Disowned Sub-personalities

  Rediscovering the lost parts of your personality
Returning exiled parts of your personality that were “sent away”

Homecoming - Restoring missing parts of your “real me

The energies of your disowned natural parts

Four case studies

Natural parts of your personality that get disowned are not totally lost or discarded. It might seem as though they ‘do not exist in me’ but they are still around.

Many disowned sub-personalities started out as natural parts that were expelled in childhood and have not surfaced since then. This makes it difficult to identify them when their energy reappears in ways that can disempower you. An example is their unique ability to attract into your life people with energies that are similar or mirrors of your disowned sub-personalities. (The other person’s active primary sub-personalities are carrying a similar energy to the  disowned energy inside you).

In these case studies the terms ‘self’ and ‘part’ are interchangeable.

The examples in Book G-1 particularly Phil’s story, showed how, quite early in life, we discover that sadly, some of the most natural parts of our personality are not acceptable in our family and this makes us more vulnerable.

At that time these parts were (and perhaps still are) so badly humiliated, shamed, blamed, punished or rejected by family members that sending those unpopular parts into exile, far out of sight, seemed the only way to stop them from causing any more trouble.

After they do this, children discover they are then less likely to be shamed, blamed or punished and that means they seem better able to fit in with their family. The trouble is that having disowned some important parts often leaves people feeling incomplete.

Keeping sub-personalities disowned can also take a lot energy every day even though we are not conscious of this.

Another energy problem is that whatever you disown remains very much part of your life, but it works in unexpected ways. In particular  the  great law of energetic balance comes into play and this draws other people with energies like your disowned side back into your life.

So it is no coincidence that some of your disowned parts are often active as primary sub-personalities in the people closest to you. Your disowned energies turn up in your children, workmates, close friends even your pets and in this case the other person is described as ‘carrying’ or ‘holding’ the energy of that disowned self for you.

All this has a significant effect on relationships, careers and life in general as the following case studies illustrate:

Case 1 - Disowned natural adventurous side

In Phil’s story, in Book G-1, you may recall that he had to hide his natural adventurous part because it got him into trouble with his mother. He replaced it with the adapted permission seeker.

However, disowning does not mean discarding and as he grows up, his disowned ‘independent and adventurous’ natural part will still influence Phil’s life. Like a revolutionary leader in political exile it just operates in more subtle ways that are harder to identify.

For example, the sub-personalities that did the disowning and are still primary, could lead him on the one hand to become very constrained and conservative. Phil would then react very negatively to people who were ‘too adventurous’ or  who couldn’t ‘stick to the rules’.

Phil could also be expected to be repulsed by overly independent women, however he could just as easily become obsessively drawn towards potential sexual partners who appeared very ‘independent and adventurous’. In a roundabout way this will cause independent and adventurous women to be attracted to Phil if his strong organised ‘permission seeker’ is the side they have disowned.

One day Phil is in church when he notices a very attractive and sexually provocative newcomer, Lucinda. Lucinda has some primary sub-personalities that are wild, immoral and socially non-conforming. Those sub-personalities disowned her constrained, conservative side a long time ago and today she never asks permission from anyone about anything.

Guess what happens? The great law of energetic balance comes into play. Phil is drawn to Lucinda because she is carrying his disowned parts and Lucinda is drawn to Phil because his primary sub-personalities are carrying her disowned parts.

The initial contact is explosive for all concerned. Phil suddenly flips into his disowned sensual side and his hard old primary sub-personalities find themselves powerless to stop what is happening.

After a brief and passionate affair, however Phil finds his interest waning, as his conservative sub-personalities reassert control and his inner critic beat him up for what he has done. Lucinda also begins to find Phil boring and guess what ..... unadventurous, and they part.

Case 2 - Fear of success

Ted was an ambitious child who had a strong positive outlook on life. At an early age he started planning to have a successful life. His natural self felt ‘I am empowered. I am going to be successful’. However his parents were both under the control of strong negative inner sub-personalities. This, by the way, suggests that Ted even as a child was probably carrying their (disowned) empowered sub-personalities for them.

Every time Ted talked about his plans his parents became triggered and told him he was too stupid to be a success. Ted learned after a while not to talk about his ambitions, but as he got older he still found himself managing to be successful at sport and school. However he couldn’t help noticing that the more successes he had the more his parents got angry or rejected him.

At this time Ted’s disempowering ‘fear of success’ had already started work with the intention of reducing Ted’s vulnerability (by getting him to disown his empowered successful self). When he left school at 15 and started his own small business, his disempowering sub-personalities teamed up with his ‘You can’t do it’ core belief and the shop failed.

Ted’s parents both heaped shame on him and from then on Ted never tried to be too successful again. He spent the rest of his life working for wages in ‘safe’ jobs. Ted had disowned his ‘Yes I can do it’ successful self.

Case 3 - Disowning natural anger:

Jan discovers that when she lets her adapted peace-keeper self handle people, things work out much better than when she gets angry.

Her peace-keeper self constantly reminds her about what happened as a child, how her anger got her into a great deal of trouble and how she felt so terribly vulnerable afterwards. It naturally warns her not to allow her natural anger to come out again. ‘Better to have peace than the pain of vulnerability’ says the inner voice of the peace-keeper.

So, Jan’s sub-personalities sent her natural protective anger into exile and she just can’t get it back even when she really needs it. When Jan has a right to get angry (she is very honest but she keeps ‘attracting’ the attention of angry unfair teachers who accuse her of cheating) her adapted ‘peace-keeper’ will try to reduce her vulnerability by telling Jan it is safer not to fight the accusation. This is the price Jan pays for peace and harmony.

Embracing your disowned sub-personalities

Only after you have a sound working aware grown up system on board can you start to re-embrace your disowned sub-personalities. One of the great benefits of re-embracing disowned sub-personalities is that you feel more whole and balanced afterwards and are able to access your real feelings more easily.

Not all disowned sub-personalities need to be embraced. A disowned wild, immoral, socially non-conforming self may exist somewhere deep within you. Often, just becoming aware of it is enough to settle it down. Some, like your criminal, violent or dishonest sub-personalities, were disowned because they really were likely to cause trouble and they can be safely left out of your life. However there are times when you may need to call on them temporarily for help, for instance when faced with someone who is cheating you, as in this next case study.

Case study 4 - The rip-off self

Mal is scrupulously honest and very early in life disowned his manipulative rip-off selves. He has had three failed marriages and six failed business partnerships. In every case, Mal was too trusting and ended up being cheated out of his fair share when things were divided up.

Mal is now working with a new counsellor and after dialoguing with some of his primary sub-personalities realises for the first time what has been going on and how he unconsciously keeps attracting and getting attracted into partnerships with dishonest people.

Mal now uses his aware grown up system to allow him to make a partial reconnection with his disowned rip-off self, not totally, just sufficiently to get a clearer view of what is really going on. He had never noticed he was being cheated until now, because he had so completely disowned that side of himself.

The only way to deal with another person whose primary self is strongly out of balance is to let them know that you have access to a similar self or energy even though it is hidden.

Mal might connect to say ten percent of his disowned rip-off energy (through his self aware grown up system) to help him at least be more conscious of the real problems he is facing. If that is not enough, he may need to draw in twenty or thirty percent until he can start to ‘think like cheat’ but without becoming a cheat (and certainly not acting like one).  

Notice that Mal only needs to take in the amount of rip-off or manipulative energy he requires and only for a short time. All he needs is enough balanced energy and the feeling of freedom that goes with it, to accept a wider range of choices about how to deal with his recurring problem.

Resisting reconnecting

Suggestions by a facilitator, that partial reconnection with a disowned self could be valuable or give much needed protection (as in Mal’s case) are often met with strong initial resistance or disapproval from opposing inner selves.

Of course it’s not easy to be aware of what you have disowned, your primary sub-personalities work hard to deny the existence of a disowned self even if you begin to suspect there might be one back there.

The ones you want to partially or fully re-embrace can however, be brought back out of exile and balanced with the old opposing self with the support of your aware grown up system. (See page. xxxx)

An immediate benefit of balancing is a reduction in obsessive attraction or repulsion towards that characteristic in other people. You also find that type of person is less likely to be attracted to you.

Many disowned sub-personalities, however, are about strong emotions that were shamed out of you in childhood. You may recall being blamed, punished, rejected or manipulated by others at a time in childhood before you disowned that self.

Even the thought of re-embracing such a self still sets up strong negative memories and shame (or fear of actual danger or recurring abuse) and this can be enough to stop some people (like Ted) ever reconnecting with important parts of themselves.